People may come out to one person at a time and choose someone they can trust the most. There is no set time or place for coming out. Having a support system is important to ensure the person feels safe.
This article looks at how to talk with people about sexual orientation, how to prepare for questions, and the different forms of communication people can use to explain their sexual orientation.
It also discusses potential social factors to consider when coming out, the importance of having a support system, ways to practice self-care, healthy relationships, LGBTQIA+ support, and a coming out story by Ash Beckham.
The LGBTQIA+ Resource Center from the University of California at Davis refers to sexual orientation as a person’s attraction or non-attraction, which can be:
- emotional
- romantic
- sexual
- affectional
- sensual
- aesthetic
- intellectual
- platonic
Everyone’s sexual orientation is unique. Orientation can also be fluid. People may use a variety of labels to describe themselves. Someone may learn this about themselves at different times in their lives.
While some people may be enthusiastic about sharing their sexual orientation, others may be more apprehensive. Some may not choose to tell anyone until they have understood it entirely or feel ready to share it. Coming out may make someone feel liberated or may lead to harm if certain stigmas are present.
There may be certain people they want to talk with more than others based on how comfortable or safe they feel when telling them about their sexual orientation. If people are finding it challenging to talk about it all at once, they may decide to manage each situation and relationship separately.
Ways people can talk with others about their sexual orientation include:
- speaking to one person first before telling others
- being honest and authentic when talking about their sexual orientation
- understanding how others may respond or react to LGBTQIA+ topics before bringing it up
- bringing a friend or another person for support when telling someone about their sexual orientation
- speaking with a trained professional, such as a counselor, therapist, or someone at an LGBTQIA+ community center, about ways to talk about it
- providing resources for someone to refer to when they are coming out
Coming out is not always about sexual orientation, too. It may also refer to being nonbinary or transgender.
No one should feel forced to talk about their sexual orientation or gender. A person should always ensure their safety when telling people in their lives.
If someone is at risk of harm, they can contact a trained counselor via TrevorLifeline, TrevorText, or TrevorChat or dial 988 for the 988 Lifeline.
The people someone chooses to come out to may ask many questions. This may happen immediately, or they may ask them over some time. To prepare for questions, someone can keep the following in mind:
- know it is OK not to have all the answers
- if someone feels comfortable, they could consider potential questions and answers that may come up before talking with someone
- they may find writing down answers a helpful way to have a conversation
- some may practice or rehearse any potential answers or choose to respond in the moment
- set boundaries based on what someone feels ready to answer at the time
- provide someone with an opportunity to learn more if they show an interest
- focus on the reasons they are telling someone to reassure them of their answers
It is also OK not to prepare for all questions and lean on the people they are discussing their orientation with for support.
Coming out and discovering a person’s orientation is all part of a process, as is telling someone about it. People can take their own time to learn more about it and educate themselves and others.
Coming out: Ash’s story
“My coming out experience was a mix of emotions. It wasn’t as bad as I had feared, but it wasn’t as smooth as I had hoped. Everyone around me reacted differently. My sister, the first person I told, was completely supportive and accepting. My parents’ reactions were more complicated. Though they eventually came around, their initial responses caused tension in our family.
“My dad, raised in a Catholic environment where being gay was considered wrong, struggled — not because of me personally, but with the concept of being gay. My mom, on the other hand, worked in the fashion industry and was very progressive. She was always comfortable with the gay community, but when it came to her own child, she found it difficult. Her fears were centered around how I would be treated and judged by the world.
“Despite these challenges, they both ultimately became incredibly supportive, but it took time. There were plenty of conversations, some heated, but we kept communicating. The turning point came when they met someone I was dating. There’s something about seeing your child happy and in love that can change any preconceived notions.
“My extended family was supportive as well, and once my parents were on board, it became much easier for the rest of the family to follow.”
There are different ways people can come out:
- speaking on the phone
- sending a voice recording
- sending a social media post or reference
- sending a text
- sending an email
- writing a physical letter
- speaking in person
Some people prefer in-person conversations because they feel they can express themselves authentically. Others may talk with someone over text if they can discuss personal matters better through written communication.
There is no right or wrong way to communicate when someone is coming out. What matters most is that the person feels comfortable and safe saying it.
There are social factors to consider when coming out, including:
Timing
There is no perfect time for someone to come out. It is specific to a person’s situation, and they can decide to come out when they feel it is right for them.
Location
Similar to timing, there is no set place where someone can come out. People can choose to come out where they feel comfortable and safe.
This may be in a public or private place familiar to the person. Some may choose to come out in a situation such as school or work, as they may feel better supported or represented.
Community
How accepting someone’s community or wider society is plays a role in how or when someone can come out. Wherever someone chooses to tell someone, they must keep their safety and mental well-being in mind.
Legal rights
The legal rights of LGBTQIA+ individuals in certain countries are critical to consider.
People may feel safer coming out in certain places where LGBTQIA+ rights are present. It may be more challenging for those in other countries to come out to a wider community, but they may have someone they can confide in closest to them.
Cultural or religious beliefs
Certain cultural or religious beliefs may determine how someone receives the news of a person coming out.
Some cultures may be more accepting of LGBTQIA+ people than others. This will influence how comfortable a person is to come out and when and where they tell someone.
Coming out: Ash’s story
“Coming out is an intensely personal journey. I would never push anyone to do it before they’re ready or claim that there’s a ‘right’ way to do it. Some people reveal it gradually, while others might share it with everyone at once, like on social media.
“The most important things are ensuring you have a solid support network and giving people time to process once you tell them. While we should hope for the best, it’s wise to be prepared for any outcome. When you come out to someone, make sure you have a safety net in case it doesn’t go as well as you hoped.
“Also, don’t assume someone’s first reaction will be their final one. Just as we, as LGBTQIA+ individuals, took time to understand and accept ourselves, the people we tell need time to adjust too. It may feel like their world has been turned upside down, and if we care about them and want them in our lives, we should offer them the same patience and grace that we gave ourselves during our own process.”
Having a support system in place can help when coming out. This system will include those who are the most accepting and supportive.
The Trevor Project shares that this may include people such as:
- close friends
- family members or relatives
- online friends
- people who are part of LGBTQIA+ communities
- classmates or co-workers
- sports team or school club members
- teachers
- counselors or therapists
- doctors
- neighbors
- religious or spiritual leaders
Support systems can help people manage emotions in the lead-up to telling others about their orientation. This support system may also help a person tackle any unexpected reactions to them coming out and, at times, if they feel unsafe.
If someone is at risk of harm, they can call, text, or chat with a trained professional at The Trevor Project 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is free and confidential.
Coming out and learning more about oneself may be a freeing experience in someone’s life, but it can also be very challenging.
To manage potentially difficult periods during the coming-out process or beyond, it is important to discover what helps someone feel cared for, relaxed, and mentally and physically able. This is what people refer to as self-care.
Possible ways to practice self-care can include:
- focusing on a person’s interest by doing something they enjoy
- connecting with their body by:
- deep breathing
- taking a shower or bath
- movement like:
- yoga
- walking
- running
- calling or speaking with someone close to them
- spending time with people socially
- identifying safe places when someone feels stressed
- consulting a trained professional
- listening to music
- watching TV
- reading
- journalling
Find out more about self-care.
While navigating this process, it is important to understand how a healthy relationship may differ from an unhealthy one. Individuals can define what they need in a relationship and set expectations and boundaries.
The Trevor Project describes a healthy relationship with the following:
- trust
- honesty
- mutual respect
- open communication
- safety and security
- consent
If someone is at risk of harm, they can contact a trained counselor via TrevorLifeline, TrevorText, or TrevorChat or dial 988 for the 988 Lifeline.
Associations that provide support for LGBTQIA+ individuals include:
Organizations that people can seek support and gather resources from include:
- The Trevor Project: This organization provides information and support to the LGBTQ+ community.
- Audre Lorde Project: This organization promotes social justice for LGBTQIA+ people of color.
- Zuna Institute: This organization for Black lesbians provides resources on health, public policy, economic development, and education.
- National Queer Asian Pacific Islander Alliance: This organization’s aim is to empower LGBTQ+ Asians and Pacific Islanders through “movement capacity building, policy advocacy, and representation.”
- The American Institute of Bisexuality: This organization supports bisexual people.
- CenterLink: People can use this website to find local LGBTQIA+ community centers in select countries.
- Equality Federation: This organization provides a directory of statewide LGBTQIA+ organizations.
Find out more from our dedicated hub for LGBTQIA+.
Everyone’s sexual orientation can be unique. It may be sexual, asexual, platonic, emotional attraction, or non-attraction.
People may choose certain individuals to whom they come out based on how comfortable or safe they feel. They may manage each situation or relationship separately and tell one person at a time.
The people someone chooses to come out to may ask many questions. It is OK for someone not to have all the answers; they can take time to consider how and if they want to answer them.
A person may tell people they are coming out through different forms of communication, such as written or in person. This may depend on how someone prefers to share this personal information.
There are some social factors to consider when coming out. Time and place are not set; this is up to the person coming out. Other factors like community, culture, or legal rights may be important.
When coming out, it is helpful for people to have a support system. This may include friends, family, co-workers, or community members. During this process, practicing self-care and recognizing and maintaining healthy relationships are important for the person coming out. This ensures they keep themselves safe and comfortable at all times.
Various organizations and support groups are available for LGBTQIA+ people.
